The Hidden Abuse No One Talks About

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I don’t have any bruises or scars, so you’d never know. What actually constitutes emotional or financial abuse can be so subtle.

For nearly three decades, I’ve lived in a nearly constant state of confusion, moving between being triggered by emotional abandonment and wondering if I was the one who was crazy. Maybe at times I was. But through it all, I kept trying as a woman and as a mother to do better, to be better, for myself and for my children.

They’re mostly grown now, and one of them said something recently that meant a lot to me. She told me she sees the work I’m doing. For years, she thought it was my fault, because I was the one expressing emotion, crying, or raising my voice. But now she understands that I was reacting to the silence, the emotional shutdown, and the financial control.

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Now I am speaking up. I am validating myself. I am reclaiming my power as a woman and as a human being. I know I am not imagining it. The most important thing is this: I finally believe myself. And I am getting myself the help I need.

I am not pretending anymore. I am not hiding. I am learning what steps to take, and with G-d’s help, I will move forward.

And maybe one day, no other woman will have to live like this, not knowing who to turn to, not realizing that what is happening to her is not okay, not spending decades without support.

Now I am in the process of finding the practical and emotional support that I need. I have begun individual and group counseling, which is helping me start to understand what I’ve been through and what healthy connection can feel like. Even just asking for help and validating myself is a huge step.

This is what it feels like to be an olah (new immigrant) in Israel, facing difficult truths and choosing to live honestly.

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Emotional Abandonment and Avoidance

Emotional abandonment does not necessarily mean someone leaves the home. It happens when a partner is physically present but emotionally absent. There is no empathy, no authenic communication, no real connection. The person experiencing this begins to feel invisible.

Sometimes this happens because the other partner has an avoidant personality or attachment style. This often develops early in life when someone learns that emotions are unsafe, unnecessary, or shameful.

As adults, avoidant people often retreat from emotional closeness. When conflict arises, they withdraw. To them, this feels calm and controlled. To their partner, it feels cold, withholding, and rejecting.

Perhaps the woman brings up her pain or says she feels abandoned, but he reverses the situation. He says, “No, it’s you,” or “Here’s what you should have done.” He may insist that he is the reasonable one and that she is overreacting. What he does not see is that she is reacting to years of being emotionally shut out.

Over time, this reversal causes deep damage. The woman begins to question her perception of reality. She starts wondering if she truly is the problem. This confusion is part of what makes emotional abuse so destructive. It attacks a person’s inner compass.

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The Unspoken Anger

There is another side to emotional abandonment that is harder to explain. Beneath the silence, there is often anger, a quiet resentment that fills the space even when nothing is said. It can be felt in his tone, in his eyes, in the tension that changes the air in the room.

She learns to sense it before he says a word. It is in the way he exhales, the way his jaw tightens, the way his energy shifts. It is not always overt, but it is enough to make her careful about what she says or how she moves.

When she finally tries to talk about it, when she says she feels his anger or that his presence scares her, he denies it. He tells her she is imagining things, that she is being dramatic, that he is calm and she is the one who is angry. This reversal leaves her trapped. She can feel the hostility, but she cannot name it without being accused of creating it.

Over time, this kind of denial can be just as damaging as the anger itself. It keeps her in a constant state of anxiety and confusion, never sure what is real, always trying to stay safe in a space that feels emotionally unpredictable.

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When Silence Becomes Violence

Silence is not always the absence of words. Sometimes it is the absence of depth. The conversations might continue about errands, meals, bills, or plans, but nothing real is shared. The surface stays busy while the emotional life of the relationship disappears underneath it.

When attempts to talk about deeper feelings are met with withdrawal, avoidance, or defensiveness, that emotional silence becomes a kind of violence. It cuts off connection. It withholds empathy and care. It teaches the other person that their emotions are unwanted, that vulnerability is dangerous, and that love can only exist in shallow water.

Over time, this quiet erosion teaches a woman to doubt her worth. It tells her that her needs are too much, that her feelings are inconvenient, that she must keep shrinking to keep the peace. When she cries or pleads, it is not because she wants to fight. It is because she wants to be seen and heard.

But instead of understanding, she is often told that she is too sensitive, too emotional, or too demanding. That is not love. That is deflection and control.

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Reclaiming Power

Emotional abandonment leaves wounds that cannot be seen, but they are real. Healing begins with awareness. It begins when a woman starts to believe her own experience and stops apologizing for her pain.

With therapy, group work, and growing support, I am learning to trust and love myself… and to let my truth and healing lead the way.

With G-d’s help, I will keep speaking up and growing. No woman should have to live unheard, unseen, or afraid. I am learning to live with joy and confidence, knowing I am enough.

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Finding Help in Israel

I am still researching where real help exists for women like me — those facing emotional or financial abuse without visible bruises, and who need both practical and compassionate support. These are a few organizations near Haifa that may be helpful starting points:

• Isha L’Isha – Haifa Feminist Center: Offers emotional and legal support for women in northern Israel. ishalisha.org.il
• Haifa Women’s Coalition: A network of women’s groups, including Kayan and Aswat, offering counseling, advocacy, and community support.
• Haifa Women’s Crisis Shelter: Provides shelter, counseling, and support for women and children in crisis.
• Choice Activism Center (Itach): Provides psychological and legal help for Jewish and Arab women in Haifa. itach.org.il
• Get Help Israel: Directory of English-speaking, trauma-informed therapists across Israel. gethelpisrael.com

I am continuing to research and connect. If you are in a similar situation, please know that you are not alone, and that reaching out — even once — can begin to change everything.

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