ADHD and Me: My Late Diagnosis and How I’m Learning My Brain Isn’t Broken

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AD(H)D in Women: A Journey of Challenges and Gifts
By Mindy Rubenstein

I don’t mean to act like an asshole.

That’s the thought that often crosses my mind when I’m overwhelmed, forget something important, or snap at my family.

Living with AD(H)D as a woman can feel like a daily battle against your own brain. For years, I didn’t know why I was struggling, why the simplest tasks felt insurmountable, or why I couldn’t just “pull it together.”

I say AD(H)D versus ADHD because it reflects the attention and hyperactivity components more clearly, capturing the full spectrum of how my brain works—sometimes in overdrive, sometimes in a quieter space, but always uniquely my own.

When I was diagnosed a few months ago, it was a relief to finally understand that I wasn’t broken. But it was also bittersweet, as I realized how many years I had suffered without support or answers.

AD(H)D is not just about being “hyper” or “distracted.” It’s a complex neurological condition that affects how the brain processes information, manages emotions, and organizes thoughts. It’s frustrating, painful, and—tragically—linked to higher rates of depression and even suicide, especially among women who go undiagnosed or untreated.

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The Science of AD(H)D

AD(H)D stems from differences in brain structure and chemistry, particularly in the areas responsible for executive functioning. This includes:

• Dopamine Dysregulation: Dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in motivation and focus, is often in short supply or inefficiently processed in the brains of people with AD(H)D.
• Delayed Neural Maturation: Certain brain regions develop at a slower pace, leading to challenges with impulse control, attention, and organization.

These neurological differences make it harder to prioritize tasks, manage time, and regulate emotions.

For women, hormonal fluctuations can exacerbate symptoms, leading to increased feelings of overwhelm during menstrual cycles, pregnancy, and menopause.

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What Overwhelm Feels Like

For me, overstimulation often feels like my brain is short-circuiting. The noise of the kids arguing, the endless to-do list, and the pressure to hold it all together can quickly spiral into panic or irritability. It’s not that I don’t care—it’s that my brain struggles to filter and prioritize the chaos.

Overstimulation can trigger:

• Emotional meltdowns (yes, even adults have them).
• Panic attacks that leave me frozen or exploding.
• A desperate need to escape, whether to a quiet room or a solo walk outside.

Recognizing these triggers has helped me take proactive steps, like scheduling regular breaks and asking for help when I need it.

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Managing Sensory Overload: Finding Calm in the Chaos of Light and Sound

Sensory overload can be one of the most overwhelming aspects of living with AD(H)D, especially when it comes to light and sound. My brain is constantly processing stimuli, and certain environments can quickly become too much to handle.

Bright lights, flickering screens, or even the hum of background noise can feel like they’re invading my space, making it hard to focus or even think clearly.

The intensity of these sensations can lead to anxiety or frustration, making simple tasks feel impossible. Over time, I’ve learned to manage this by creating quieter, dimmer spaces when I need them, using noise-canceling headphones, or dimming the lights in a room. It’s about finding balance and giving my senses a break when they’ve had too much to handle.

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The Gifts of AD(H)D

AD(H)D isn’t all challenges—it also brings unique strengths:

• Boundless Creativity: My mind is a playground of ideas, often seeing solutions others might miss.
• Deep Sensitivity: I connect with others on a profoundly empathetic level, which enriches my relationships.
• Passionate Energy: When I’m excited about something, I throw myself into it wholeheartedly.

These gifts don’t erase the struggles, but they remind me that my brain is wired differently, not deficiently.

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Family Support Makes All the Difference

AD(H)D isn’t something I can “snap out of.” It’s how my brain works, and it takes time to develop the coping skills needed to navigate life with this condition. Here’s how families—especially husbands and teenagers—can help:

1. Don’t Take It Personally: If I seem irritable or distracted, it’s not about you. My brain is working overtime just to process what’s happening around me.
2. Be Kind, Not Critical: Sarcastic remarks or frustration only make things harder. Instead, offer understanding and encouragement.
3. Help with Organization: Small gestures, like reminding me about appointments or pitching in with chores, go a long way.
4. Respect My Need for Space: If I say I need a break, it’s to recharge so I can show up better later.
5. Celebrate My Strengths: Acknowledge what I do well, whether it’s being creative, nurturing, or bringing energy to the family.

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Moving Forward

I’m still learning to manage my AD(H)D, and it’s a process. Setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and being honest about my needs are helping me navigate this journey. My hope is that, with time, my family will continue to grow in their understanding and support.

To anyone living with AD(H)D—or loving someone who does—know this: It’s not a flaw, and you’re not alone. With patience, self-compassion, and the right tools, we can embrace both the challenges and the gifts that come with this condition.

Embracing this journey, I’ve learned a few tips: 1) Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps, 2) Create routines to help stay grounded, and 3) Practice self-compassion, remembering that it’s okay to ask for help and take breaks.