When the Pain Feels Overwhelming: Finding Real Ways to Cope

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By Mindy Rubenstein

Photo: Me last year praying with other women at the burial site of Mama Rachel. Read that article here: Jewish Women

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Today marks the yahrtzeit, or anniversary, of Rachel Imeinu’s passing. Rachel, our mother, carried her own profound pain, longing, and unfulfilled love, yet she’s remembered for her boundless compassion, still advocating and weeping for her children even now. I often think about her when I feel burdened with the weight of generations. In our moments of deepest loneliness, it’s comforting to believe that we’re not alone—that the women who came before us, like Rachel, are connected to us and still rooting for us.

For those of us grappling with intergenerational trauma, it’s difficult to escape the roles we find ourselves in, often falling between being a victim of past pain and unconsciously carrying those wounds forward. Being surrounded by unhealed, emotionally unavailable people can deepen the sense of isolation, frustration, and shame. I know that feeling well—the pain of being with someone who seems unable to truly love or show up in the ways we need.

Finding Outlets for Pain

When faced with this kind of overwhelming pain, logic and analysis often feel useless, as they only seem to deepen the frustration. Coping doesn’t always look the way we’re taught it “should.” I’ve tried so many methods, from painting to counseling, and though they help, sometimes the pain requires a physical release. Recently, when I felt totally helpless and full of shame, I tried punching a pillow. It might sound simple, but it helped far more than anything else I’d tried that day. My heart was racing, I was sweating, and with each punch, I felt some of that anger and sadness release. It was a raw, real relief—more effective even than therapeutic painting, which I had tried just before this. Sometimes, we just need to let out that pent-up energy in a way that feels safe yet powerful.

Realistic Tips for When It’s Hard to Cope

1. Acknowledge the Darkness
   It’s okay to admit that you’re in a place that feels unbearable. You don’t need to pretend that it’s fine, and you don’t have to convince yourself to feel happy. Sometimes, just giving yourself permission to feel exactly what you’re feeling—without judgment or pressure to change it—can be a relief.
2. Find Small Moments That Make You Feel Like ‘You’
   When you feel like you’re unraveling, try finding small, grounding things that remind you of who you are or used to be. This might mean listening to a song that resonates, watching a comforting show, or doing something creative without any expectations. Sometimes, these tiny actions can help reconnect you to yourself.
3. Allow Yourself to Be Angry
   Sometimes, underneath sadness is a lot of anger—anger at people who’ve hurt you, at yourself, or even at life. Instead of bottling it up or turning it inward, let yourself feel it fully. Write it down, speak it aloud to yourself, or express it through something physical like tearing paper, punching a pillow, or creating aggressive art. Anger can be a form of clarity.
4. Reflect on Reparenting Yourself
   When support isn’t there from others, finding ways to be there for yourself can be life-changing. Practicing self-love might mean learning to act as your own loving parent—listening to what your inner child needs in the moment, speaking to yourself with kindness, and forgiving yourself for not having all the answers.
5. Ask for Guidance
   In moments of deep struggle, sometimes we can reach out to our Higher Power, G-d, and ask for help and guidance. In Jewish tradition, we are also believed to have spiritual support from angels and guides who are here to help us along our journey. Asking for their guidance can be comforting, especially in times of feeling lost or overwhelmed.
6. Do One Small Thing for Future You
   This doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It could be something as simple as drinking water, jotting down a few words, or going outside for a few minutes. Even when you feel numb, small actions can sometimes keep you connected to yourself.
7. Honor Where You Are Right Now
   Healing is not an upward climb. It’s messy, confusing, and full of days when just surviving is the biggest victory. Honor those days for what they are, even if they feel like ‘nothing.’

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If you’re struggling here in Israel, there are resources available to support you, and you’re welcome to reach out to me if you feel alone. The journey through pain, loss, and trauma is hard, but it’s one that so many of us are walking. We don’t have to carry it all on our own.