Our dog Mavis was hit by a car and passed away amidst the chaos of moving to our new home last week.
It was during a period on the Jewish calendar called the “Nine Days,” when historically many tragic things have befallen our people.
When my husband told me what happened, I laid on the floor sobbing.
The pain rolled through me.
We shouldn’t have moved during this time, I realize now. I didn’t grow up religiously observant, so it has been an evolution the past 16 years learning about Torah, kabbalah, Jewish history, and how to integrate it into our lives. G-d gave us a framework to live by. I keep forgetting how powerful and protective this can be.
There were many what if’s and should haves. I wanted desperately to fix it.
My kids and I cried together for Mavis. I talked to them about the stages of grief and about souls. I’ve come to know the grief process in other gut-wrenching, soul-cleansing ways during this lifetime.
I’ve been mom for 19 years. Each of my kids got a different, evolving version of me.
The famous saying “Let go and let G-d” is something I’m having to rediscover each day, each moment.
In allowing myself to accept the things I cannot change, honoring my feelings, and asking for help, I become free.
Experiencing emotional trauma and neglect in my own childhood opened me up to a sensitivity that led me to cry out to the G-d of my understanding when there was no one else to listen.
It also led to emotional intoxication. With patience, practice and a 12-step program, the sensitivity has become a gift I can use in moderation.
It was no one’s fault. My Jewish ancestors have been chased and persecuted for generations. My grandparents and parents held unhealed trauma, and no one taught them what to do with it.
I’ve discovered during my journey that the essence of a human being is the spiritual part- – the soul. The body is the soul’s physical clothing.
I have soul-stuff to repair that was passed on to me through gilgul. In Hebrew, the word gilgul means “cycle” or “wheel.” According to Jewish mysticism, our souls cycle through lives or incarnations. Animals are also part of the gilgul process. Mavis was just here with us physically. And I feel her spirit hasn’t full left.
Each soul is reincarnated multiple times to fulfill his or her mission here. And to heal the pain.
“We must translate pain into action, and tears into growth,” the Lubavitcher Rebbe said.
To honor sweet Mavis and the people and pets I’ve mourned, I committed to taking on additional mitzvot for people and animals. Recently I started offering free support to women making Aliyah or new Olim.
I made Aliyah last year with my family and know how important it is to have help and know you’re not alone.
May G-d protect us. May He grant us the clarity and strength to seek help when we need it. And may we realize when we can be of service to others.
“Even when I walk in the valley of darkness, I will fear no evil for You are with me…” (Psalm 23:4).
Moving Day, Nine Days, Goodbye Little Doggy
Oh It hurts
I’m so sorry
Little dog
What if…
Grief
In my gut
So heavy
I lay on the ground
I can’t run from it
Fix it
Undo it
Go back
Replay the steps
What if I…
What if they…
Should have
Would have
Is it real?
I want to vomit
Make it go away
Where is she now?
She was just here
I carried her
to our new house
We took pictures
Of her in my purse
We arrived
I left her on the futon
And went out back
But thought—
I should go get her
Bring her with me
We are in a new place
She may be scared
Turn around
I knew
Turn around
Go get her
She’s gone
Movers left the door open
He went looking for her
did you find her? I asked, when he came back
Sit down, he said
I saw his face and knew
He reaches for me
I turn away
Can’t be
Can’t be
I freeze
Turn inward
Everything stops
I run outside
I must fix it
Someone fix it
Is it real?
It hurts
It hurts
My body falls forward
Heaves
It passes through me
I lay on the ground
He puts a cushion under my head
What if
Is it real?
I should have…
It shouldn’t be
little doggy
she went looking for us
toward the old house
busy road
stupid cars
he picked her up
then went alone
and buried her
in the Wadi
Nine days
Goodbye, little doggy
I’m sorry
So sorry
Where is your spirit now?
I’ll do more good
Please, Hashem
Don’t let anything else
bad happen
Hurting
Healing
Geula
Come
Now
Mindy Morasha 